i'd just like to publicly apologize to any of my friends who may, at some time or another, been driven crazy by me when i was on a negative kick. last night i got a full dose of what was probably supposed to be fun, goofy negativity, but was really not coming off that way. i wanted to enjoy the damn basketball game, and cheer for the ducks not getting totally embarrassed by #11 ranked washington, and my roommate wanted to comment on how she hoped they lost because if they won she'd just get excited about the ducks again and inevitably be let down when they lost the next game. everything i saw as something positive had a naysayer to comment on how it wouldn't happen again and didn't really matter because they sucked anyway.

(full disclosure: sure, i want them to win. but i want an entertaining game more than a win, and for the first time in weeks, i actually got one. i was thrilled.)

i'm certain my enthusiasm was just as irritating to her as her permanent-downer talk was to me, but still: to all of you who've tolerated me on nights like that, i apologize. everyone has them, i know. and timing is everything.

(somehow i still have this weird guilty feeling this morning, like i did something wrong by being annoyed. it's weird and uncomfortable for reasons i cannot put my finger on.)

i was composing mini-manifestos in my head last night over strange things, gaps and spaces in this version of my life, and the theory that people ought to be more openly passionate. i am not foolish enough to think that a calm exterior means a person has no interior passions, but i ... i grow tired of calm appreciation and solid, quiet days. and i do not mean J, not in the least. he and i get into debates over everything, friendly, impassioned debates full of holding forth on topics and pausing and laughing and reconsidering and holding forth again. but lately, too often, i get a little tangled up in what i'm saying, and i begin to doubt myself. i realized last night: of course i do. he is my only partner in these epic conversations. i have no practice outside our arena, no lengthy talks with friends in which i form and strengthen my opinions and thoughts and positions.

in short, on the friends level, i'm feeling a little lonely. i do like everyone i know here, and i know enough to realize that of course it's natural to get fed up with your roommates every so often, and that it will blow over, but i want more. i want MY friends, the ones i made, as well as the ones that come with the boyfriend territory. i want loud laughter and shouting and even louder laughter afterwards; i want movies and drinks and dancing to beulah at the bowery ballroom, lost voices on the way home.

and so i apologize for my offnights, and i say this from the bottom of my silly little heart: i miss you.