my mantra for this year: "lighten the fuck up."

i keep wondering when i forgot how to have fun. it's not all the time - for instance, i had a great time yesterday, wandering portland with toby and then coming home to J, whereupon he and i made a delicious dinner and watched another two episodes of firefly (which is seriously growing on me). but it's the out-and-about fun that i'm lacking. it has something to do with the last entry's yammering, i know that, but still...if i'm not having fun, i ought to be making my own damn fun. life's too short, and all that.

but it feels like it wouldn't work, like calling up the people i know and saying hey! poker night! come over! or hey! movie opening night! let's go! just wouldn't lead to anything different. (plus everyone would complain that it's too much trouble to go to a movie opening night too many people too many candy wrappers rustling have to stand in line too long etc etc etc.)

i guess i still ought to try. and i ought to try to take things less seriously. i just - i know it sounds stupid, but too often i find myself just wanting to be somewhere else, or be doing something else, or like i don't want to go somewhere to begin with. and too often it's because i feel like i didn't have any say in what's happening, or some other bullshit thing like that. so i'm not as close to people here as those on the other side of the country. so? i can still have fun with them, right?

i'm trying. i guess i just have to try harder. i have to figure out why i feel like the air is lacking the components that spark enthusiasm for things, and try to fix the chemical reactions so that things start to simmer.

i'm not making any sense, i know. i just feel too often like everything is the same, and no one is excited about anything, and everything different is too much trouble. and like the space in which i have to fit is sometimes far too small.

i don't know. it's just strange. and i need to lighten up. i can't figure out what else there is to do but stop worrying and, and, learn to love the something.

my feet need broader sidewalks.

(caveat: none of this is about J. with J, i have buckets of fun, and laugh all the time. but i need friends like this too. i love him, but he cannot always be there to laugh with me every second. it's the other spaces that ring hollow. his is warm and snug and full of giggles and grins and nowhere is more comfortable.)