i don't feel good today. i really just don't. i know i should just accept it, suck it up, drink my tea and try not to think about anything complicated until i've final-ok'd my pages and can go home and stay under the covers. strangely, though, despite knowing what i ought to do, i can't seem to do it. what a strange, unlike me thing to do. did that sarcasm come through clearly?

i've been absurdly moody the last week or so, which, while it is the grand ol' time of PMS, makes me think it's time to change my lady-drugs again. i keep trying new ones, and while this one at least doesn't crush my libido, it does seem to be back to the same old tricks: a little too much obsessing, a little too much worrying about problems that could possibly someday exist but do not, in fact, currently exist, and way too little of my usual ability to find something cheerful in nearly anything.

basically, i'm being a boring grump, and i get scared that people i love will get tired of it. but not just them — i'm fed up with this version of myself. i feel like i've forgotten how to look at the details except when i think i can find something to worry about there. like i've forgotten how to be happy where i am — and i am happy, but i just can't remember to see it. i look for things around corners, nightmare fears that could become real; i worry about things being not what they seem when i have no reason to worry, none whatsoever; instead of taking things in stride, i find reasons to be miffed that they're not what i expected;

yes. i'm being a boring grump. and i know it's not all the time, i know that J means it when he says we have fun all the time we're together but also that it's ok if i'm in a bad mood. i know. but me, in here, i don't feel quite right, and trying to find my way back, well, i don't really know where to start. i feel like the old cheery molly would almost seem fake in these surroundings, and that thought, it fits like an outgrown winter coat, all tight in the shoulders and stiff in the wrong places.

maybe it's winter. J was talking last night about being unhappy about certain things with work and life and finances and that makes me think that maybe things are just fitting everyone strangely right now. i don't feel very happy with work and life and finances either, but the one thing i am totally happy with? J - and so of course, this one thing that fits, i look for the cracks that aren't there, the tiny rock under my foot that might cause a slip.

of course. when there's the one thing that's good, it's so - too! - easy to fixate on the mere thought of the loss of it.

now, lesson found, i have to figure out something more productive to fixate on.