i spent all day yesterday either on the couch, reading, or in bed, sleeping or sulking. colds make me grumpy and it's not like i wasn't grumpy to begin with.

but then i got out of bed and wrote four pages in a spiral notebook, and it's amazing how much clearer my head got. a solid reminder that the neediness and insecurity is my problem, and not one that i can expect anyone else to solve.

but i'm still sick. and at work. i feel guilty when i stay home sick with just a cold, especially when i know i'm going out to see J play in one of the bands tonight.

(i don't think i'll stay here all day, though.)

this morning two deer ran across a fairly main road in front of me. there are deer all over our property all the time, but when they crop up somewhere like that, it's somehow much more charming.

the strange thing is that, while i had a giant smile on my face when i saw the deer, it disappeared once i got to work. i don't think i'll ever be happy with a normal job, no matter what i'm doing. i thought i wanted this job, and now i kind of resent it, except for the little bits of writing (see eugeneweekly.com for small piece on pretty girls make graves that, strangely, won me several compliments the other day). and they want me to write more, and be reporter-y, and have actual stories, and i balk inexplicably and don't know what i should do.

i probably shouldn't let myself have any major life thoughts or sulky want-hugs thoughts while on cold medicine, though, that much is for sure.

this ramble brought to you by generic dayquil.