i am going to miss writerboy so much.

so much that now that i'm home i'm tearing up and wishing i could have told him how much i'll miss him. i just said, "i'll miss you," and he said, "i'll miss you too," and all i could think - i couldn't think.

what kills me is that i left the bar without saying goodbye to anyone else, because, you know, what does it matter? i'll see them in a matter of days. i won't see him for months. i didn't want to say goodbye to anyone else after him.

i'm the queen of delayed reactions. it takes until the night he's leaving for it to even sink in for me.

and now i'm crying.

it was such a good night until the end, though. we met up at the chinese restaurant uptown where they serve free wine, we got shushed by the waitstaff, writerboy gave a speech about how he loves each of us for different reasons and that he'd tell us why later and i think we were all too chicken to ask even though i want to know why and i bet everyone else does too. we ate and drank horrible cheap white wine and got asked to leave when spasticboy climbed over the table to get to the bathroom and knocked over an empty carafe that shattered on the floor and the head waiter said, "i don't understand you. i don't understand you. why did you do that? you leave now," and we did.

we went to the E train and laughed and laughed and we had the car to ourselves and had subway olympics where yoyoboy won by hanging on at the top of the pole for the longest. i was the only girl who tried to compete, though after a lot of urging lk and i pretended to have a competition, but we knew we'd both suck at it. still, i was hanging off the bar like chinups and telling yoyoboy what kind of flips to do around the pole and the funny boy with a book at the end of the car was laughing at us. we were in our own world, and i was taking pictures of the whole thing. we wanted to have a subway olympics night where we get on the L at some early morning hour and ride it all the way to the end, making up events the whole way.

if anyone had seen us they would either have thought we were insane or understood that we were having a night that had to be remembered.

to add to the list of perfect songs, definitively: "ooh la la" by the faces.

i could cry when i hear it. in almost a good way. in an it's five in the morning and the sun is rising over williamsburg and we're leaning out the window watching the cats on the roof below and everything is so right in the summer this year kind of way.

there is so much more to tonight. there are pictures, when i get them developed, and toasts and glasses clinking and asking writerboy where he most wanted to go for post-dinner drinks and knowing it would be odessa. and laughing so hard with take-home boy in the subway. and - where did that thought go? i had a good thought. but i lost it. damn.

there is more to the day, too. i took writerboy out for lunch and was so glad i did. i talked to brian on IM and wished i could say something useful. but i made a gesture and he'll know about it in a few days.

and i read email from adam and wished i could say something brilliant in return.

those are the honest things. there is so much more. so much carries over from last weekend and so much hurts as a result. i talked to scullygirl tonight about all of it and am feeling so much more grounded. it's good.

i will miss writerboy.

so much more to say. tomorrow. i have a million thoughts right now.