i'd better be fairly quick so i can make it to the raven before all the good pumpkins are gone. i'm still not sure what i'm going to carve in mine, and i'm still nervous that i'm going to feel weirdweirdweird, but i am determined to have fun, have a pint or two of caffrey's, and maybe play a kickass game of pinball.

i'm currently updating from the far upper west side, where i am watching over two very lovable cats in an absolutely charming apartment complete with nice fast computer, handy for updates. but i've done so little since four a.m. last night that i've hardly got a thing to say. beat a level in zelda, sort of. had brunch. played more zelda. it's an exciting life, i tell you.

i'm tempted to just stay here and watch movies all night, but i want to try to find a moment to ask a favor of a friend that i am almost afraid to ask. my stepfather died almost four years ago, and every year since then, the boy and i would go to the swedish church in midtown, where i would light a candle for my stepfather. i can't remember how this started but it must have been the boy's suggestion, as he's the swede and knew you could do such things. it's always meant a lot to me, even though last year i got rather nervous when he said he hoped that if he wasn't there ever, i would/could go without him. i said i thought so, though going to the swedish church alone makes me a little nervous as i'm blonde enough that they mistake me for one of them. i'm flattered, but that hardly helps me understand swedish.

but now i don't know that i can do it alone, and the boy is just my friend, and i'm afraid to ask him if he'll go with me. i'm afraid it's too much to ask, but i don't know. i want to ask him if it's ok to ask, which seems vaguely redundant and a bit silly. i just don't know. this is all so close to my heart that i wonder if i should write about it here at all - but here seems to be where i write these days. i just wonder if this request can be made from the position of friendship that we're in now. he's the only one who really knows how much i've missed my stepfather over the years, and he's the only one i want to do this with. it doesn't matter to me that our relationship has changed - my trust in him has not.

so i have to find a chance to ask.