ican'tican'tican'tican'tican't. i can't.

it's not that i can't do THIS. this, i won't give up on. i wrote a whole thing about it earlier, a future entry that will be stuck in here when i finish writing about my weekend, but right now i feel so panicky. i can't stand the way things are with filmboy. i can't figure out what to do about my various apartment and living issues, where no matter what decision i make i leave someone angry or put out and i shouldn't have to make a decision at all but i have been put in a shitty position with no clear solution. i can't figure out if this is really my life or if i am just wandering along pretending to be ok like this. i can't figure out why i feel so certain that many of my friends don't really know me. i can't stand feeling like there is no end in sight to this cycle of being sort of happy but never quite thrilled, ok with my job but disinterested in it, adoring my friends but feeling sort of incidental, unnecessary, unknown and out of sorts. i can't tell what it is i'm missing so much except when i think about how it feels like there is no one i can talk to in those meandering all-topics all-over-the-place conversations that are the staple of my contentedness, no one but filmboy who doesn't talk to me at all.

can i let these things go? can i go away for six months and still come back? can i spend the summer elsewhere, leave them all without a cruise director (though i'm sure someone will fill that spot quickly enough), a planner and scheduler and organizer, the role that seems to have fallen to me? can i give up my exposed brick and proximity to tompkins square park and fire escape and familiarity?

can i go away and come home again?

can i stand to find out how many people won't miss me when i miss them like crazy?

i don't want to leave forever. i just want a sabbatical from this life that feels like it's off by about half a size.

i am such a fucking melodrama queen when i write about these things. but i'm terrified of leaving and terrified of staying and i don't know how to shift things so that i feel like myself again.