i fixed my older entries pages a little bit and then, in a fit of random-button-hitting, starting reading entries from last fall.

and of course i nearly burst into tears. andrew wanting to go to movies. jo and i saying, "fucked it!" constantly. not seeing the aussie boys enough, the boys i barely said goodbye to. elaine who never writes. free wine nights and dancing. i am homesick for a place i only lived for four months, missing people i never expected to know. i want them back so fiercely it's surprising even me; i want making dinner side by side in the kitchen, i want breakfast in sydney with helen, dancing with stuart, our indoor picnic on the day of the melbourne cup, and the walk to work that andrew always took the same way except when he varied it a tiny bit just to throw me off. i want those two coming back from the department store where they'd been playing rocky on the x-box, muttering, "get a job, you bum!" and "you go down, you stay down!" and a handful of other stupid phrases (used with the taunt button) that stuck in everyone's goofy melbourne lexicon.

i really, really miss them. especially jo, especially elaine, especially frauke, especially stuart, especially andrew, whose constant company at work and at home never, ever, was trying.

so many stories and i miss them all so much. and the aussie boys! i cannot leave them out, and i cannot stand that none of us have emailed each other since i left.

things to take care of when i get back.

i am at my dad's, working on a giant glass of wine and trying to be tired, but generally i cannot sleep the night before i travel. not at all, not ever, especially when it's so warm in here and i am feeling so nostalgic.

last night i met pippin at his work, where one of the waitresses said, "pip-iiiiin! someone's here to seeeee youuuuu!" and i suddenly understood why he dislikes much of the waitstaff so thoroughly. i didn't know what to do with myself while i waited for him, so i lurked in the hallway, where one waitress (a very nice girl, i discovered later) admired my red shoes, which sent at least two others out to look at them. much later, pippin said it was funny that i was just standing in the hallway, that i didn't wait at the bar, but when i said i didn't know what to do he didn't act at all like i should have. just like i would know next time.

i liked that.

so we sat at the bar for a beer, and sat outside with some of his coworkers and company, and debated lengthily about what to eat, and wound up swearing at the pinball machines with their obscene replay scores at good times, and eventually - of course - making our way to the usual bar, to extra-cheap beers and both getting replay on monster bash and the girl we hung out with on saturday saying that that night had been fun - but she only said this to me, prompting pippin, later, to say, "i think she likes you more than me," which maybe i wasn't supposed to giggle at but it was sort of funny; i started out so intimidated of this girl and now i so want to be friends with her.

i want to be friends with all of them, really - in large part my wish to stay in eugene right now is motivated by the feeling that i'm creating a base for myself, a group of people that i think can be might be could be friends, and to leave now would be throwing this away. and i don't want to. none of this is to devalue any other friends, not at at all. it's simply that i, at some point, thought this was impossible here. and now i understand it so much better. and now i really want everyone to come visit, i really want to show off this town. now that i know how to live in it better.

(i so hope you can come in august.)

today required waking up too early, feeling too sick, and having to go to an interview anyway after dropping pippin off at work. but the interview went surprisingly well. so well that i am not sure i could possibly take the job if they were to offer it to me. they are so nice, they mean so well, and they so want someone who will stay for years and years.

i am not their girl, on that count.

but i am probably getting ahead of myself anyway. but! but! there is a job open at the university that is perfect, perfect, assisting with events planning and oh how i miss that stuff. i like making things work. and the closing date is the day after i get back so it may be, if i cannot find the listing on the web where it is supposed to be, a somewhat panicked application, but still. i want. i want. i want.

i want to be tired, also.

i am rambling and excited and sentimental and tired of being sick and i always get myself into such a tangle when i'm on the verge of anything.

laptop in the bag. dress in the bag. cellphone charging.

i will see you soon.